God's Punishments?

As I have struggled with my miscarriage the last 5+ weeks, I have really had to fight the adversary on something.  See, Satan is very real.  As real as the Lord, Jesus Christ.  And he has been trying to make his presence in my life.  He knows my weaknesses and loves to play them. I suppose it's "natural" to blame yourself and/or God when bad things happen, like losing a loved one, but rather than being "natural", I believe it is another way the evil one deceives us into thinking we are somehow unimportant, unloved and unworthy of happiness. 

My own experience has been to wonder, "What could I have done so wrong that would make Heavenly Father want to take my baby back with Him?" Did I yell too much at my kids (yes, probably)?  Am I unworthy of having more than the wonderful children I am already blessed with?  Am I too uptight, too relaxed, too much of a disciplinarian, too passive, too bipolar, too happy, too depressed?  Why would He send a baby to someone who would just kill it with abortion and at the same time leave millions of women who are desperate to be mothers childless? Why is miscarriage so prevalent?  1 out of 4 pregnancies end prematurely in miscarriage!  1 out of 4!  I found myself wondering why? why? why?  At one point, I even freaked out, dropped the groceries in the middle of the kitchen, milk spilling everywhere, fell on my bed and screamed those same words over and over, and it was directed above and nowhere else.  And then I decided to pray my heart out, looking for the answer.  

I received an answer, unexpected as it was.  In my searching and pleading and pondering over this tragedy (which was, by the way, much worse than I ever anticipated) I realized something.  We believe, as Latter-Day Saints, that we MUST have a body as well as a spirit to return to our Father in Heaven.  In that pre-mortal life, during that pre-mortal conflict, each of us chose to accept that body, and with it the experiences of mortality.  It dawned on me, no doubt through the Holy Ghost, that miscarriage is a part of accepting that mortal body.  Our bodies are not yet resurrected, therefore are not yet perfect and are subject to any and all afflictions that may be here on this Earth. God doesn't GIVE us cancer or diabetes or financial troubles or family problems.  He doesn't take our babies away. He provides a way to make it through those things!  And He allows us to make choices, which have consequences tied to each of them.  Every choice, good or bad, has a consequence. When my Grandma chose to smoke, one of the consequences was to die of lung cancer.  When I chose to get pregnant, the first consequence was Daelan, and all the great joy and occasional hardship that comes with being a stay-at-home mom. But not every choice has the same consequence.  When I chose to get pregnant for the fourth time, mortality reared its ugly face and took my child from me, but mortality also sent him home. And God gave me a way to deal with it, to overcome, and in fact He has provided many ways to heal...serving others, thinking of others over my own problems, the truthfulness of the Gospel, dear friends who have talked me through it, supportive family, a loving and ever patient husband, etc., etc.  

So my mortal experience is exactly what it should be - up and down, down and out, happy, sad, elated, lost, grateful, angry. For without the bitter, how can we taste of the sweetness that can show up every once in a while? When we become complacent, what usually promotes gratitude?  Trials! So, while I want so badly to type, "Trials! (Unfortunately, dang it!)", I will stick with the original because I know better. I wish I didn't have to go through what I'm going through. I wish I didn't have to cry every day and stress about being pregnant again, but that is not my lot in life.  My choices, along with the effects of a mortal body have determined a huge part of my life.  Now I have to choose whether to allow the Lord to work the miracle of the Atonement in my life or to allow Satan to deceive me into believing the Lord would abandon me.