God's Punishments?

As I have struggled with my miscarriage the last 5+ weeks, I have really had to fight the adversary on something.  See, Satan is very real.  As real as the Lord, Jesus Christ.  And he has been trying to make his presence in my life.  He knows my weaknesses and loves to play them. I suppose it's "natural" to blame yourself and/or God when bad things happen, like losing a loved one, but rather than being "natural", I believe it is another way the evil one deceives us into thinking we are somehow unimportant, unloved and unworthy of happiness. 

My own experience has been to wonder, "What could I have done so wrong that would make Heavenly Father want to take my baby back with Him?" Did I yell too much at my kids (yes, probably)?  Am I unworthy of having more than the wonderful children I am already blessed with?  Am I too uptight, too relaxed, too much of a disciplinarian, too passive, too bipolar, too happy, too depressed?  Why would He send a baby to someone who would just kill it with abortion and at the same time leave millions of women who are desperate to be mothers childless? Why is miscarriage so prevalent?  1 out of 4 pregnancies end prematurely in miscarriage!  1 out of 4!  I found myself wondering why? why? why?  At one point, I even freaked out, dropped the groceries in the middle of the kitchen, milk spilling everywhere, fell on my bed and screamed those same words over and over, and it was directed above and nowhere else.  And then I decided to pray my heart out, looking for the answer.  

I received an answer, unexpected as it was.  In my searching and pleading and pondering over this tragedy (which was, by the way, much worse than I ever anticipated) I realized something.  We believe, as Latter-Day Saints, that we MUST have a body as well as a spirit to return to our Father in Heaven.  In that pre-mortal life, during that pre-mortal conflict, each of us chose to accept that body, and with it the experiences of mortality.  It dawned on me, no doubt through the Holy Ghost, that miscarriage is a part of accepting that mortal body.  Our bodies are not yet resurrected, therefore are not yet perfect and are subject to any and all afflictions that may be here on this Earth. God doesn't GIVE us cancer or diabetes or financial troubles or family problems.  He doesn't take our babies away. He provides a way to make it through those things!  And He allows us to make choices, which have consequences tied to each of them.  Every choice, good or bad, has a consequence. When my Grandma chose to smoke, one of the consequences was to die of lung cancer.  When I chose to get pregnant, the first consequence was Daelan, and all the great joy and occasional hardship that comes with being a stay-at-home mom. But not every choice has the same consequence.  When I chose to get pregnant for the fourth time, mortality reared its ugly face and took my child from me, but mortality also sent him home. And God gave me a way to deal with it, to overcome, and in fact He has provided many ways to heal...serving others, thinking of others over my own problems, the truthfulness of the Gospel, dear friends who have talked me through it, supportive family, a loving and ever patient husband, etc., etc.  

So my mortal experience is exactly what it should be - up and down, down and out, happy, sad, elated, lost, grateful, angry. For without the bitter, how can we taste of the sweetness that can show up every once in a while? When we become complacent, what usually promotes gratitude?  Trials! So, while I want so badly to type, "Trials! (Unfortunately, dang it!)", I will stick with the original because I know better. I wish I didn't have to go through what I'm going through. I wish I didn't have to cry every day and stress about being pregnant again, but that is not my lot in life.  My choices, along with the effects of a mortal body have determined a huge part of my life.  Now I have to choose whether to allow the Lord to work the miracle of the Atonement in my life or to allow Satan to deceive me into believing the Lord would abandon me. 

Freedom to choose

If we were given a choice to follow Jehovah's plan and gain a mortal experience, then it is fairly safe to say that we have always been given the freedom to choose by a loving Father, even before we made that final premortal choice.  He understands the deep value of that freedom, and that it is the only way we can learn and grow.  Therefore, shouldn't we pursue the same freedom every day? Shouldn't we allow others the same freedom - to choose for themselves rather than impose on their decisions and perhaps inhibit their personal growth by doing so? Shouldn't we, as a nation, encourage the freedom to choose for ourselves rather than govern the will and desire of every man? Of course, there must be government, laws, rules and regulations, but how can we assure ourselves free agency while enforcing necessary laws?  God is the great example of enforcing His laws with consequences for good or evil, based upon the choice we make. Those negative consequences are the very reason we have such a strong desire to take agency away - for if those we love cannot choose wrongly, we can save them from certain pain, grief, and even death.  But how can they ever learn the difference between good and bad, joy and pain, if they never choose the path that results in negative consequences?  

We have all chosen wisely, and equally as important, we have all chosen poorly, reaping the benefits or suffering the sorrow, feeling the highest of highs and the lowest of lows; the good vs. bad. It started very early, with simple choices, and progresses the rest of our lives with more complicated choices. Regardless of the choice we make, there is a natural consequence, some with spiritual consequences.  Many times we experience the consequence of someone else's choice(s), receiving great blessings in some cases, and being sent to the depths of despair in others. 

It is clear that agency, the freedom to choose, has an enormous effect on our lives and the lives of those around us. Why is it so crucial that we are able to choose? There may be a complicated answer, but to me it is simple: we must know what it feels like to choose one way so that we can experience the opposite when we choose the other way.  We must know what it feels like to get hurt, so that we know what it's like to feel loved.  We must be sick to enjoy our health; we must endure pain in order to appreciate joy; we must receive injury or we will never know what it feels like to heal. This is a great gift that we can choose to use to our advantage, or to our detriment. Many Latter-Day Saints wear rings declaring "CTR", like the shield shown at the top of this post. "CTR" is an acronym for "Choose the Right". This simple ring is given to every child who is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to help them to remember to make good choices every day, in all the things they do. Many adults sport grown-up versions in gold, sterling silver, etc., to continue to remind them of their duty to choose the right way rather than the wrong way. 

Because of my countless mistakes, bad choices, uniformed decisions, and many sins, I am able to look back and choose differently based on the consequences I endured. I know not to spend too much money on needless things as well as I know not to touch a hot stove. I know that I need to spend all the quality time with my children that I can, while they are yet young, as well as I know to change the oil in my car.  How do I know?  I've not had money for basic groceries because my car payment was too high; I've burned myself on several hot stoves; I've worked too hard and missed an entire summer of fun with my kids; I've sent a perfectly good vehicle to the dump, on more occasions than one! Would you believe three?  What have I learned?  To buy an older car; NOT to touch a stove without testing it first; that I can work the rest of my life...I only have a few short years with my children; that luxuries and necessities alike require much maintenance and care, money and time, so I better be able to take care of what I have, or I may lose it. 

Unfortunately, I continue to make mistakes repeatedly.  All I can do is work on it and try to make myself better by choosing better, but I don't have to do it on my own. A greater gift has been given us.  Because we are mortal, we will continue to make mistakes, to the day we die.  Only one person has lived on this Earth in perfection - our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and because of Him, our transgressions and sins have been paid for. But does that mean we are free to sin, since He has already paid the price?  That's for another post...The Atonement.

Life before Life

I am going to take a turn here, and write some extremely personal stuff. This week has given me new perspective on life in general.  I don't know if a person can fully understand what a unique and incredible gift life is, unless they experience the opposite of life - death.  This week I experienced death, for the first time with such closeness and intimacy. I had a life growing inside me for nearly three months.  I saw the very essence of life...the heartbeat...many times via ultrasound.  I was told by my doctor, at the first sign of impending death nearly 6 weeks ago, that I would likely not carry this baby much longer.  But the life inside me held on, week after week, as I watched on the big screen.  I saw it form from a tiny yolk sac and fetal pole to a 5 week embryo with a beating heart to a 6 week embryo with a slowing heart.  Sadly, though my little one's heart was still beating at 10 weeks, it never grew past that 6 week phase and the life we had created was ended on July 14, 2008 at 5:33 p.m. 

So what do I know of life and death?  Even at 31, I had been fortunate not to have lost anyone in my immediate family, though I have lost loved ones, who I miss dearly.  And here I am professing to understand something about this complex, yet inevitable part of life as we know it - death. 

I know that life does not begin here, at conception.  I know that you lived before you were delivered as a newborn.  You lived in heaven, with God the Father, His Son, Jesus Christ, and every other person that you have ever seen, met, interacted with, heard about, read about, hated or loved that has existed on this planet. We are His children, thus we are brothers and sisters, and we lived with our Heavenly Parents in a Heavenly Home. 

Now, this gets exciting to me.  I am deeply confounded by it, and want to jump for joy at the same time.  We chose to come here. Despite the perfection and promise of the Father's everlasting plan, He has always given us our agency, even before we were born.  We had the freedom to choose to be tested here on Earth, or not to come at all. We were spirits in what we call the Premortal Existence, where we attended a council with God.  We were given a couple of choices, and you chose to follow God.  Everyone born to this earth chose to follow the Savior's plan. There is much more information to be learned concerning this choice.  There are people who are ready to teach you about it, if you desire to know more or simply have it explained to you.  Click here, then click on Ask a Question.

So, if we lived before we were born, then surely it follows that we live after we die.  I believe that we do live after we die, and the scriptures teach us that the same sociality that exists here, exists when we return to the heavenly realm from which we came.  Our attitudes, personalities, convictions, perhaps even addictions, carry with us to the afterlife.  All the knowledge which we gain here will only help us there.  Of course, there are many different types of knowledge.  We learn from books, from teachers, from experience, from faith, from loss, from pain, from joy. It is imperative that we try to learn something from our trials, for greater will be our knowledge.

While my emotional pain is still fresh and my body is not yet healed, sadness and loss try to steal from me that which I hold precious - my faith.  Faith is a hope for things which are not seen, which are true. (ref. Heb. 11:1; Alma 32:21) I hope that I will see my little one again.  That hope is based on true principles of life that exists before and after this earthly experience, which makes it faith. I also hope to take many lessons from this heart wrenching time, that I might turn my weaknesses around and begin to grow and develop compassion, charity, patience, and strength.

What I do know I learned from someone else.  And I have learned since, that teaching what you have learned reinforces that knowledge and can help you grow in it. I also, as you know by now, feel it is my obligation to share vital information with others.  If someone gave you the procedure and knowledge of how to cure a disease, but you were to afraid to tell others for fear some would not believe you or would ridicule you, saying it was impossible, or arguing that surely there must be other ways, wouldn't it be a grave mistake to keep that information to yourself?  The life saving knowledge I have acquired is no different.  You may not know how it works, it may sound strange and foreign to you, as would a lengthy description in medical terms, and I may not be a scholar or religious leader, but it is real, nonetheless.  It is knowledge that is truth. And it is my job to let others know of it, for I have been instructed to do so by my Creator, through personal revelation found in the scriptures.