Fear is the opposite of faith, you know.
So, anyway...on with the prayer-in-the-midst-of-insanity story...
I was literally walking around, eyes wide open, rushing to sweep up cake crumbs for the third time, throat sore from yelling at those chaotic animals ravaging through what is supposed to be my sanctuary, and praying. In my head.
What would you pray for in this situation? Well, believe me, I prayed for that. But also, I have experienced more pain, more difficulty physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and the most intense stress I could possibly imagine thus far in my life.
KNOCK. ON. WOOD.
When it rains it pours.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Story of a million lives, I know. Which is yet another lie Satan tries to get me to believe - that there isn't much purpose in prayer - I'm but one small, tiny, insignificant rat in this rat race of innumerable rodents and why - in heaven and earth - would anyone, let alone a Supreme Being, want to bother with listening to my whiny, annoying beggars voice, let alone respond with any sort of tangible answer?
Well, while I've been told that this is quite the lie, I can't help the fact that I tend to believe it from time to time - questioning any value I may have in this vast universe.
So, I prayed and I walked and I cleaned and I tried to pause, reverently for a moment, so I could focus on the sincerity of my prayer and wipe the tears streaming down my face. My baby sat in the high chair, staring at me, certainly wondering what could possibly be so wrong with her mother - if she only knew - and I prayed for help. Guidance, peace, help, help, help. What should we do? Will the literal insanity ever end? Will He relieve my pain? Will I have to live like this - failing time and time again - for the rest of my time here on earth? Will I have permanent pain like I've had for so long? Is there any relief out there for little old me? Why must my children suffer? Why must I bear so great a responsibility? Why must I endure such darkness and sickness and pain? Will there ever be help? Real, permanent help?
See, I have what they call Perfectionism, which up until very recently, I honestly thought was a good attribute to have. I was quite unaware that it was a condition - one related to the post-partum depression and anxiety that has enveloped every strand of my DNA and overtaken my once cheerful disposition. And the pain that shoots throughout my entire frame is both physical as well as emotional.
For the first time in a long time, I did receive an answer. A clear answer to the exact things I prayed for this morning. In writing. Three separate, but related e-mails.
No joke. And I'm crazy, but not schizo so I know I'm not interpreting random things to be answers. There is a pattern - a repetitive history of answers in this same format.
Scripture. Words of the prophets. They bring answer after answer after answer in my life, but have not manifest as answers for quite some time now.
There it was - the first answer! In Regular 12 point Helvetica font on my computer screen...
Parents Have a Pattern to Follow in Bringing Their Children to Jesus Christ
Posted: 21 Jun 2010 12:00 AM PDT
Posted: 21 Jun 2010 12:00 AM PDT
"The account in 3 Nephi can help us bring our children to Him because it gives us a pattern to follow. First, we must love the Lord with all our hearts, and we must love our children. Second, we must become a worthy example to them by continually seeking the Lord and striving to live the gospel. Third, we must teach our children the gospel and how to live its teachings."
Cheryl C. Lant, "That Our Children Might See the Face of the Savior," Ensign, May 2010, 82
Topics: Parenthood, Children
This was a direct answer to part of my prayer this morning and a question I have had in my heart, prayers and occasionally escaping my tongue. The perfectionism in me has imprinted an image with me doing all I'm told I should do and more - and with no help from anyone. It has my children complying perfectly, even eagerly anticipating scripture, prayer and Family Home Evening time. No fighting, of course, because the Spirit is so strong.
I have been seeking comfort and relief from this particular stress and burden of responsibility for years. And to think there was always a method - a gradual way to get to my ideal. Baby steps.
The second e-mail I read goes something like this...
Central Purpose of All Scripture
Posted: 21 Jun 2010 12:00 AM PDT
“In the end, the central purpose of all scripture is to fill our souls with faith in God the Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ—faith that They exist; faith in the Father’s plan for our immortality and eternal life; faith in the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, which animates this plan of happiness; faith to make the gospel of Jesus Christ our way of life; and faith to come to know ‘the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom [He has] sent’ (John 17:3).”
D. Todd Christofferson, “The Blessing of Scripture,” Ensign, May 2010, 34
Topics: Atonement
Immediately, I felt a spark of faith again - a gift. A gentle push up after so much of my faith has been dwindling - even burning out.
Finally, a message of peace awaited me in the third e-mail...
Severe Trials, Supreme Blessings
Posted: 21 Jun 2010 12:00 AM PDT
"Last summer my wife and I took our twin grandsons to Kirtland, Ohio. It was a special and precious opportunity for us to spend time with them before they left on their missions."During our visit there, we learned to better understand the circumstances of the Prophet Joseph Smith and the Saints who lived in Kirtland. That era of Church history is known as a time of severe trials but also supreme blessings."In Kirtland the Lord bestowed some of the most remarkable heavenly manifestations and spiritual gifts this world has ever experienced. Sixty-five sections of the Doctrine and Covenants were received in Kirtland and surrounding areas—revelations that brought new light and knowledge about topics such as the Second Coming, caring for the needy, the plan of salvation, priesthood authority, the Word of Wisdom, tithing, the temple, and the law of consecration."It was a period of unparalleled spiritual growth. . . ."One of the many revelations Joseph received in Kirtland was a revelation he called the 'olive leaf . . . plucked from the Tree of Paradise, and the Lord's message of peace to us' (introduction to D&C 88). This remarkable revelation includes the sublime invitation, 'Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me' (D&C 88:63). As the Saints of Kirtland drew near unto the Lord, He truly did draw near unto them, pouring out the blessings of heaven upon the heads of the faithful."
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Hold on a Little Longer," Ensign, Jan. 2010, 5–6
Topics: Spirituality
Hold on a little longer...
a little longer.
Line
upon
line,
precept
upon
precept.
My heart is filled with gratitude tonight, for the simple answer to an insignificant woman's plea to her Father in Heaven. If we are to remember anything about prayer, I would hope that we would all remember that He is our Father. Not some owner of an aquarium full of rats. But a Father, who knows and loves us more than we can bear to understand in this mortal life. We are children of God and we all matter. Each and every one of us - the good, the bad and the ugly - is significant.
It's important to note that I get these emails daily and that I regularly seek for wisdom, guidance and answers in their content. It's been a very long time since the words in these emails manifest themselves as an answer to a prayer.
And by the way, like any loving parent, our Father looks forward to hearing our communication and desires to answer our most personal, sincere pleas, whiny as they may be.
Are we listening?
Or are we running around, screaming, fighting, wrestling, kicking, punching and stressing?
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